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Dispatch from the best Cane Toad Racers in the US

G’day from the Kangaroo Island Wilderness Retreat,

We just saw our first kangaroo and wallaby. They are handfed in these parts so we got a $1AUD bag of roo food (different than the $1.50 “Pony Poo” we saw on the side of the road earlier today) and plan on placing it in areas on our bodies that will look especially funny in picture. Maybe not but I do vow to use my hands and act dominant and tall when feeding the male (this being advice from the hotel owner).

When I last wrote, we were in Cairns. It was the Australian equivalent of Corpus Christi but with better beaches. It was filled with nothing but bad tourist shops and restaurants. Luckily, Tiff booked us in the much more quaint town of Port Douglas.

From PD we did a Great Barrier Reef snorkeling tour. It was pretty awesome. The fish were colourful and lively. At one point a shark even swam by and in an effort to protect Tiffany, I pushed her so that she shielded me from any possible attack. Luckily he swam on. There was also a huge fish near our tie-up spot called a Marioness (sp?) who was stupid and slow enough that I was able to swim down and touch him on the tail. It’s always been a dream of mine to punch a fish in the face and this, my friends, may have been as close to that zenith as I’ll ever get (he was much too nice and friendly looking to punch (unlike those stupid unicorn fish with there big stupid noses (fish shouldn‘t have noses))). While in the water we had to wear special suits to protect us from “Stingers” (aka jellyfish) which are badasses in Australia. One sting will kill you if you don’t get to a hospital quickly. If you do get prompt attention it usually takes one month of recovery time before you’re back at it.

That night we also had the pleasure of attending Cain Toad races. Some guy that looks like Owen Wilson takes pleasure in racing them at a local bar so Tiff and I made sure to attend. It was awesome. Tiff’s name was drawn for the first heat and she was matched up with Fat Bastard. A four year old little girl, who unfortunately for Competitive Tiff, liked Tiffany, was also drawn in the first match. This was bad for Tiff because she wanted Tiff to hold her, which Tiff did, during a race where you have to use a kazoo to nudge the toad off the table into your hand before depositing him in a bucket. This was hard with a little kid on one arm and I’m proud to say that Tiff did not drop the child on her head and got 5th. I, being the racing type, bought my way into the final luxurious finale and drew Fat Bastard’s toad in training, Mini-Me (a half sized toad). Using my superior toad wrangling abilities I finished second with a slam dunk of Mini-Me and won a cane toad racing hat. It was most excellent.

The next morning we journeyed north to the world’s oldest rainforest – the Daintree where we were staying in a hotel in the trees with a hot tub on the balcony. For some reason we forgot the whole jungle part of a rainforest and two hours later, when we stopped for lunch, felt like our blood was boiling because of the 96% humidity. When checked into the eco-friendly hotel where we were told it was best to just turn on the fan and let the air circulate. Once the lady who showed us to our room left, we stripped to our undies and cracked the A/C. Nice! That night we decided to go on Bruce Belchar’s Crocodile Boat Cruise because the brochure advertised a free drink and lollies (aka candy). One thing that ol’ Bruce might want to consider is getting some crocs for his boat tour because we saw not a one. It was a nice cruise and we did hear about how crocs kill about 8 people a year who are dumb enough to swim in the water.


  • Our hotel was across the street from Four Mile (why it’s not 5.2 km beach, I don’t know) Beach which is four miles long. Of that four miles, you’re only allowed to get in a 20 yard by 30 yard section of fenced off area that is Stinger free.
  • Port Douglas is the death sight of Steve “Crocodile Hunter“ Irwin two years ago on our stay. RIP brotha.
  • I’m growing a fumanchu for this trip and look sorta like a broke Morgan “The Super Size Me guy” Spurlock with more hair.
  • Cane Toads were brought to Oz (Australia’s shorter to type nickname) many years back to kill off beetles in the sugar cane fields. The initial load was 100 toads. The dumb farmer that brought them in didn’t realize they have no natural enemies in Oz so now they number 10 billion. Wowzy.
  • The following words are different in Australia. First the English word then the Australian

Flashlight – Torch
Quay – Key
Fire – Flash
Restroom – Toilet
Candy – Lollies

Tomorrow we get to pet sea lions and see koala bears. Then it’s off to Adelaide and the Great Ocean Road to Melbourne.

Best Cane Toad Racers You’ve Ever Met,
Nate and Tiff


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